Therapy is not a place to be fixed, it’s a place to be found.
Our website says this phrase in large letters, and it’s one I often repeat as I sit down with clients the first time for their therapy session. For some of you, seeing a practice that announces this sentiment so boldly may be a relief or an invitation. For those of you who feel that way, welcome, I’m so glad we’ve found each other. But I know there are others of you out there who might feel a little differently. Who might hear this and say, well, what am I paying for if we aren’t fixing me? Those of you who are so tired of the way your mind spins endlessly, or how your body can’t seem to relax even when you are laying safe in your bed. Those of you who would give an arm and a leg to have someone reach inside your brain and snip out a few faulty wires. Those of you who feel so sure if you can just cut this shit out that everything can go back to normal–whether that normal is something you once experienced, or something you see come so apparently easily to others. And to those of you who feel this way, I fervently say welcome to you too.
Almost ten years ago I sat down on a therapist's couch for the first time. We tracked my thoughts, wrung our hands over possible diagnoses, and spun around all that I was doing to try and stop all of my “negative patterns”. I had been told how important it was to try hard in therapy and I was doing it! I was noticing and arguing with and analyzing every thought, feeling, and behavior I had. That, it turns out, didn’t do much to help me, as maybe it hasn’t for some of you. My therapist eventually realized that, and started talking to me about acceptance. And in these words, I heard I’m giving up on you, and you’re always going to feel this way.
What I know now, that I didn’t know then, is that acceptance is different than defeat, and healing is different than fixing.
So, I want to clarify, for anyone who needs to hear it–you’re here to feel better and we’re going to do that work and do it hard. But that might look a little different than you’ve been taught to expect.
In therapy, we might work towards slowing down, rather than speeding up. We might work towards self-compassion, rather than self-discipline. We might work towards feeling more, rather than less. Or treating our wounded parts with tenderness rather than disdain or fear. We might work towards worrying less about being good enough, or safe enough, or perfect enough, and more towards being authentic and connected, while inviting in all the beautiful, messy, and maybe even painful experiences that may come along with it. And, I promise, we won’t just tell you to worry less, or that what you’re feeling is normal, and send you on your way. We will tend to, and discover, and uncover, the really, truly, hard process of trusting in ourselves again.
If you’re reading this and feeling like that sounds absolutely terrible, you might be the one who could benefit from it most (I know I did).
Because those of us who want so desperately to be fixed often don’t realize that in fighting ourselves day in and day out, we move farther away from the outcomes we want so badly. Yet when we work with ourselves instead of against ourselves, real, tangible change happens.
We get more regulated, less anxious, more resilient and confident. We become better partners and parents and workers and do more and sleep better.
In and out of therapy, I love a good metaphor. So, If it feels safe to you, imagine getting a mild injury or illness (a small cut, a bruise, a cold). Now I want you to imagine, trying to fix it by sheer force of will. What happens? I imagine you end up frustrated, stressed, feeling like a failure, and the injury or illness remains. Most of us don’t do this with a cut or a bruise, but we do it all the time with anxiety, trauma-responses, and more. I’m no doctor, but most of the medical treatment I’ve gotten works, at least to some extent, to support, kickstart, or work alongside our bodies natural healing systems. Even a cut that needs stitches eventually knits itself together, even a cold that needs cold-medicine is still beaten by our immune system.
The kinds of therapy we do at Rootworks works like that. Whether it’s EMDR therapy, somatic work, playing together, or simply being with–every session, every time, every therapist here will partner with you in kickstarting, supporting, and, dare I say, finding the healing that’s already inside of you.
Sage Maniates, LPC specializes in helping LGBTQ+ teens and adults heal from the impacts of trauma. They also love working with neurodivergent individuals (including folks with OCD) and anyone else who would benefit from therapy that stresses authenticity, connection, and anti-oppressive values.